Emergency Etiquette

I am almost 35.   In the past 6 years, I have had more than my fair share of health emergencies pass through my family.   I can confidently say that my husband and I are the ‘go-to’ people in our family whenever someone is in trouble.  At ages 28 & 29 we were in a position that none of our peers were faced with.  This was not a role that we sought out, it is just where the chips fell.   

It was hard, but for me, one of the more difficult parts was trying to relate to friends who had never faced a situation like this.   They had never been in a position where they were in need of help, overwhelmed, and had enormous responsibility resting squarely on their shoulders - the complete care of another individual.  Over the years, I have had this conversation with a few girlfriends over the years… and we all agree… there is an emergency etiquette that most people are lacking.   Since Nathan’s accident, I am reminded once again that some people get it, but many do not.

When you are in survival mode, you don’t have time to focus on others.  You are focusing on the problem: trying to understand new medical terms, finding the best doctor, researching insurance and financial implications, looking for solutions, weighing alternatives, trying to be strong and decisive.     In this phase, you don’t have time for silly questions and mundane things.  And most everything else falls into the category of ‘not important unless it helps me’.  It might sound selfish, but there are times when you need to be.  An emergency is one of those times.  

So it is here when you need the most help.  However, you simply don’t have the time to ask, or any ability to figure out what type of help you need.   This is where you need people to ‘DO’… rather than ask. 

You need people to just show up with food.  You don’t care what kind, you just need to eat and often you won’t unless someone feeds you.   You need people to grocery shop for you.  Just buy things that would be good in a fridge & drop it off.  You don’t have time to make the list, or get to the store… so anything is better than nothing.  If people are close enough to you & have keys to your house, you want help with the household chores that you won’t have time to do at midnight when you get home.  Fold the piles of laundry, help change the sheets, clean those dishes, take out the trash.  You want someone to do the things that will allow you to get up the next day and walk out the door without stopping.   You need people to state the time & day that they will take your children and when they will bring them back.   You don’t want to give them an itinerary, or ask you what they should do.   If you had the time to figure it out, you would simply do it yourself.   And also, you don’t want people to boss you around.  You have an idea of where you want to focus your energy and you only have a limited amount of it (be it in the hospital, at home with the kids, handling  finances, etc).  People who help should simply fill in the blank spots regardless of where their personal preference may lie.   It’s not their emergency, they are there to help.

If you do have the wherewithal to ask for help, you need that help to be self-reliant.   So you pick the right person, and you make the call.  You don’t want second-string… you want the best.  So if you are that person who is called… be sure to say yes… because there won’t be time to call another person or think about who is the next best in line.   You want that person to be able to come into your home and act like you without asking you for directions.   It’s asking a lot, but it can be done.   After a few days, anyone can figure out anyone else’s routine with minimal intrusion and questions.   If you yourself had the time to make a chore list, you would execute it yourself.  If you have to explain everything, it is time lost from more important issues that have to do with the medical situation at hand.

So to those of you out there that ‘get it’ … I thank you.  I thank you for doing rather than asking.   I thank you for the meals.  I thank you for the groceries.  I thank you for the babysitting.  I thank you for bringing my trash cans in.  I thank you for picking up my mail.  I thank you for giving me things for an Easter Basket that I might not have had a chance to fill yet.    

Thank you.